“We All Have to Deal With It…”
Conflict is inevitable in relationships. And if you’ve lived on this earth for any number of days and interacted with people, you know this to be true.
Our world is full of conflict, and it’s humanly impossible to live in total harmony with others at all times. But even though conflict is a fact of life, as believers we should strive to manage conflicts and settle disputes quickly in our relationships with each other.
The Bible, the believer’s guide and blueprint for life, is filled with accounts of conflict to learn from and an abundance of wisdom for managing conflict and brokenness in relationships.
Conflict resolution is not one-size-fits-all because people are dynamic and situations can be complex. But there are core principles I’d like to share that we can follow and apply as believers – healthy strategies, tools, heart postures and mindsets to have when approaching and resolving conflict in our relationships. And believe me… I’m not sharing something that I haven’t experienced, applied, been refined by or walked through myself!
(For contextual purposes, I’m referring to interpersonal conflict between individuals where the tension stems from an instance or disagreement that causes friction or emotional distance in a relationship. These conflicts are about resolving misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or differences that arise in relationships – not rooted in abuse, harm, or dysfunction.)
3 Things to Remember About Resolving Conflict
1. Time is of the Essence
“If your brother or sister sins, go [privately] and point out [the offense], just between the two of you…” Matthew 18:15 NIV & NLT
“…and [you] remember that your brother or sister has something [such as a grievance or legitimate complaint] against you…First go and be reconciled to them…Settle matters quickly [at the earliest opportunity]”. Matthew 5:23-25 AMP & NIV
Time doesn’t heal wounds. When conflict isn’t dealt with, time prolongs the wound. Make time to resolve conflict. It’s easy to act busy when we want to avoid something, but if we’re honest, we make time for what matters most to us. Just like we schedule everything else, schedule time to resolve the conflict and have open, honest, and transparent conversations.
This is a healthy strategy that gives the individuals involved the chance to think about, reflect, and prepare what they need to say. Face-to-face is the best way to communicate, but FaceTime (or some form of video communication) is a great alternative.
The sooner you can resolve the conflict the better. Some fractures require time to process and work through, but as time does pass, there should be an active process of working towards resolution.
2. Ignoring it Never Works
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern]…” Proverbs 27:6 AMP
Here’s the truth… ignoring the conflict only hurts the connection and health of the relationship. We have to fight for communication. There are times when one conversation resolves the conflict and other times when multiple conversations are needed. Bottom line, have as many conversations as necessary to preserve and keep the relationship.
When you aren’t sure how to handle or process a conflict, talk to Biblical, wise counsel in your life. This is one of the many reasons why finding a solid, biblical community is so important! Biblical and wise counsel can also provide other perspectives about the conflict. Remember, the key is to seek godly and wise counsel. Don’t solicit advice from just anyone
“Where there is no [wise, intelligent] guidance, the people fall [and go off course like a ship without a helm], But in the abundance of [wise and godly] counselors there is victory.” Proverbs 11:14 AMP
“How blessed is the person, who does not take the advice of the wicked…” Psalm 1:1 ISV
3. Restoring the Fellowship – Winning Them Back.
“Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” Proverbs 16:24 NLT
“If your brother or sister sins, go [privately] and point out [the offense], just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won [that person back]. Matthew 18:15 NIV & NLT
Don’t always expect the offender to set things straight. Most times if you’re on the receiving side of the offense, you’ll have to go to your offender. I know it seems unfair but there’s much about the gospel and God’s Kingdom that is unfair and upside-down compared to the world’s standards…and even our feelings.
Just like when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, their response was to hide in their guilt and shame. God already knew what they did but he still sought after them. He called them to confess what they had done. There were still consequences but there was also grace and love (Check out Genesis 3).
And the same will likely be true in your situation. Unless the offender has humbled themselves and pride and shame are not at work, you will likely have to be the one to approach the conflict first. Do it, especially if it’s a valuable relationship to your life. Sometimes you may have to give it more than one attempt to try to resolve the conflict.
Another instance in the Bible where this occurred was with Jesus and Peter. Peter denied knowing Jesus 3 times before Jesus’s crucifixion (as Jesus said that he would).
In John 21:15-17 after his resurrection, Jesus asks Peter 3 times “…do you love me?…” to reconcile back with Peter. Jesus addressed the conflict and Peter appropriately responded. It takes forgiveness and willing individuals to reconcile.
Let’s bring it a little closer to home… even while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. God sent his Son to die on the cross for us when we didn’t deserve it. And even when we sin against God he still pursues us with his love to draw us to repentance and right fellowship and communion with Him.
Pray for the Lord’s guidance. Lean into godly counsel for wisdom and help.
Trust the Lord to work in your offender’s heart and life just as he did yours. If the offender allows, the Holy Spirit will do the necessary work in their heart too for reconciliation to take place.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 NIV
“But God clearly shows and proves His own love for us, by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 AMP
When It Doesn’t Work Out…
Reconciliation takes the willingness of the individuals involved to work on what needs to be done to resolve the conflict. Unfortunately, there are times when it doesn’t always work out that way. Because of the fall, sin and brokenness of this world, things don’t always go the way we hope…
Jesus experienced the ultimate betrayal from someone close to him, Judas. So when the Word says we have a high priest who sympathizes with us, that includes the brokenness and hurt of unreconciled relationships too. And since Jesus overcame the world without sinning, only He can empower us to overcome our challenges. (Hebrews 4:15, John 16:33, Ephesians 6:10)
Trust the Lord’s guidance and leading. He will let you know when it’s reached the point of “not working out”. Let the situation be. Accept people where they are, grieve the relationship, go through your healing process, and move forward in forgiveness.
Forgiveness doesn’t default to reconciliation. But you can still move forward with a heart of forgiveness toward the person and the conflict. It’s easier said than done and can’t be done in our own strength, but the power of the Holy Spirit can work this type of miracle.
“And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” Ezekiel 36:26 NLT
A few final thoughts on managing conflict in relationships:
When we cause conflict or brokenness in a relationship, have “I am sorry” readily available in our word bank along with a heartfelt apology. We must be willing to confess our faults one to another and make the necessary amends.
When experiencing conflict or brokenness in a relationship, lament, repent of your wrong doings, forgive the offense to avoid bitterness from taking root in your heart, and with the Lord’s strength, move forward. Be committed to the process of reconciliation.
Be understanding and not ruled by your emotions and strive to communicate notable offenses.
Let go of pride and operate in humility and follow the Lord’s leading no matter what.
As believers managing conflict, we should operate in the Fruit of the Spirit by loving, being patient and long-suffering, being kind and gentle, and exhibiting self-control.
I also recommend grabbing a copy of the book “Thank You. I’m Sorry. Tell Me More.” by Rod Wilson. It’s a guide that expounds upon how these three simple phrases can heal relationships and strengthen connections.
Lastly, remember, “a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time.” Proverbs 17:17 CSB
We are all human. None of us are perfect. We’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t or said things we wish we could take back. Unfortunately, conflict is a part of this life on earth that we can’t circumvent. But what we can do is be better prepared to handle conflict when it does arise to keep and cultivate the healthy, life-giving relationships that are supposed to be in our lives that the Lord blessed us with.